The Road to 40 Day 187/365: Dad Talks and Reflections

Planning nothing on this day allows me to do things freely, which is a perk of being a stay-at-home dad.

I took Vino to school and chanced upon Anjo, a friend of ours whose kid also goes to Dover Court. We caught up with each other a bit as I waved goodbye to Vino, and we continued talking as we went down the stairs.

His bus arrived and I decided to ride with him so we can continue talking. I said I had no plans, so I could go with him and take a ride from wherever. We decided to have coffee and breakfast at his spot.

Like me, Anjo is a stay-at-home dad, so we shared some of our experiences at home and as a parent in school. Vino is about two years older than their daughter, so we were taking notes about how their classmates are.

However, I realize that it’s a bit difficult to compare because the boys tend to be a bit more raucous when they’re together for a playdate compared to girls.

We parted ways because he had a cleaner coming over to their house. As I went home, I thought about life as a housedad after talking to Anjo.

At this day and age where we are all very much aware about mental health, I feel like I do go through battles with depression at times. One could argue that I’m living my best life and that I have more reason to be thankful than to be depressed.

That’s true. II am living a good life, and I do have a lot to be thankful for. But I feel like it’s an uncontrollable emotion that just sinks in from time to time.

At different stages in life, I think we all go through it. It doesn’t matter how good your life appears to be on the outside, no one can have everything. As people, I think it’s natural for us to seek what we don’t have. After all, if we already have it, why bother looking for it?

I think we are insatiable creatures. We are never satisfied with where we are. It’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, it helps you stay hungry for challenges, for self-improvement. On the other, you tend to overlook the things that you do have.

I’m at a point where I feel empty and alone at times and I feel the joy in me fade. I know because it’s difficult to force a genuine smile even at the funniest stupid joke. I think these are times when I rethink my place in the world.

Even when we have trips, a feeling of “do I really deserve this?” sinks over me, and thoughts of not actually waking up from sleep in a plane or the plane failing to land creep in. Having had deja vu moments since I was young, there’s a part of me that always expects that I should already have an idea of what’s about to happen.

When I don’t know what to expect, I entertain thoughts of maybe it’s the final gift I’ll ever recieve on this earth.

I live a life that I think will not change the world. I strive to be a good person, but I don’t do extraordinary things that I think should merit incredible rewards. Hence, whenever good things come to me, the first thing that comes to mind is “do I deserve this?” rather than “thank you for this!”

Thankfully, before I fall into a hole, I am pulled by the thought of my core – a life with my family, Che and Vino. I always hold on to the idea of a future where we see Vino lead his own life while Che and I grow old together and reminisce about these days.

It gives me plenty of reasons to be happy with what I have and to be doing what I’m doing.

Finding contentment is something that has always given me strength to go against the norms and expectations. Speaking to Anjo also helped me realize that I’m not alone in choosing this kind of life to give our family the best opportunity to thrive.

I went home with a full belly and a full heart. It was time to go up against my eternal nemesis – the unfolded laundry.

I went to pick Vino up in school later on, and I was getting anxious because he wasn’t coming down. I saw a few of his friends already, but he was still nowhere to be seen.

It was then that I realized that he had co-curricular activitiees for this day. I waited an extra hour for him to go down, and we took the cab going home because he still had football training.

I rushed to fix up whatever I can at home and prepared dinner so that Che would have food when she arrived.

As Vino trained, I talked to one of the dads to catch up. We’ve been away from training for the past three weeks, missing a majority of their league games. We talked about how the games went, how the kids have improved and what they can still improve.

We also talked about our holiday plans and whatnot. We’re on different paths, but being dads helped give us a common ground. We planned on getting together in a more casual setting next time, maybe have a beer or two together with the other dads.

Vino was drenched as it was drizzling throughout their whole training. It looked like he had fun, he saved a lot of goals despite conceding as many. It was all good fun with his friends again.

We went home and had dinner while Che took a late call. Later, they stayed in the room while I cleaned up.

We had Freakier Friday in the background as we all tried to catch some sleep to end this unexpectedly reflective day.