The Road to 40 Day 151/365: A Tug of War with Independence

Vino has been juggling between wanting to be independent and staying as our baby boy these past few days.

On one hand, he’s been excited to go on the school trip without us and has been asking to go to school and come home by himself. On the other, he would cling on to Che when he has an opportunity at home and ask to stay on our bed instead of his.

I believe I lived a pretty sheltered life growing up. My parents weren’t home that much, but I think I was pretty obedient. I can’t get food at the snack bar without calling my mom to ask permission, and would not go far away from home if I wanted to play.

At around Vino’s age, I’ve been riding my bike in nearby streets, mostly with my cousins or my sister. Vino doesn’t have that luxury of having relatives living nearby to play with, so I’m trying to let him be a kid in his own way.

But without the freedom that I had when I was a kid, Vino could grow to be more sheltered than I was. Little by little, I’m trying to incorporate some responsibility into his daily routines. Small responsibilities like eating only at the dining table, throwing trash instead of waiting for someone to clean up, and keeping all our shoes in the cabinet are basic, but might be a big change for a kid who had everything else done for him.

On this day, he was happily telling me about some of the things that happened in school, but later asked to take his tablet out for him to use.

I let him use it. We went on the bus and I let him find his own seat because it was a bit crowded. At the next stop, there were a lot of people who went down, and I asked him if he wanted to move. He simply said, “no.”

His friends were watching whatever clips it was on YouTube. When they went down at their stop, he asked to sit with me, and I said no.

This is petty, sure. But I wanted to drive the point across that there are better ways to say “no” to an adult, especially his dad. A lot of his friends right now are caucasian, and I guess they don’t have the same values as Asians do.

It’s not that I want him to follow the rules that we grew up in, but I just want to maintain the best sides of growing up in an Asian household. Speaking with respect to elders is one of the things that I want him to have. Being respectful is a trait that I believe a decent person should have, no matter the age.

I want him to learn how to choose his words when speaking to people, and my pettiness over this small thing should show him the consequence of his thoughtless answer – I was hurt. This was discussed with him later on.

Now that he’s sitting by himself, I didn’t move until he moved. Personally, I’d be on my phone if I were bored, so I let him use his tablet. We talked about it the day before, so I assumed he would be more aware of where he is.

When we reached our stop, he was still just glued to his tablet. Suddenly, he looked out, looked at me, and heard the bus closing its doors. I said that’s what happens when you don’t pay attention.

I told him I’m not pressing the button or moving until he tells me to move. If the bus reaches Ang Mo Kio, I could care less. I wanted to see how he would respond to missing his stop.

We went down at Harbourfront, and I asked him what bus we’re supposed to ride. He was lost and didn’t know what to answer. I told him to follow me and explained that the best way to get back on track if you missed your stop is to walk to the opposite side of the road. Most likely, the bus that you rode going to where you are is going to pass by the opposite side, so just ride that to the previous stop.

I didn’t ride by myself when I was Vino’s age, but because I didn’t have gadgets, I was always very interested to see where I was. So I knew where to go down if I rode a jeep, or would react when I saw some place familiar when I’m riding the car with my family. It helped a great deal when I navigated public transport by myself when I was in high school.

Public transport in the Philippines is a bit tricky because you depended on landmarks to go down. If you’re unfamiliar with the place, you might miss it or you might stop before you even see it. Here in Singapore, there are at least bus stops and apps to tell you exactly where you can wait for what bus, what time it arrives, and what route it’s going to take.

So I feel like I need to start teaching Vino certain buses and routes to familiarize himself going back home. I led him to the bus terminal and we got on Bus 124. I explained that this bus goes to our house, the basketball court I play at, St. Theresa Church, and goes all the way to Orchard.

Credit to him for recognizing one of the stops that we usually wait on, but he incorrectly said we should go down there to wait for the wrong bus. I followed his lead, letting him make the mistake so that he could correct it next time.

If he listened to me giving instructions about the bus we got on, he would know that we didn’t have to go down from the bus that we were riding.

I told him I had all the time in the world now for him. I quit my job and I’m focusing on the house and taking care of him, so I didn’t have to worry if we kept on missing our stops. I had the time to teach him things he’d need eventually.

I don’t expect him to learn all these immediately, so I always remind him of these things because if and when he decides to be truly independent, I want him to be equipped with knowledge not taught in school.

I’m not sure how ready I am for their school trip, and now that I’ve fixated my being to being a dad, I don’t know what I would be if he comes to an age where he’d want more time for himself.

But I know that time would come. So right now, it’s just a mix of pettiness, lectures, and fun as we figure out this part of him growing up.

Oh yeah, part of being a dad is being a househusband, so here’s what I had to deal with before being dad to Vino today: