The Inevitable Finiteness of Life: My Personal Reflections And Challenges In Our First Months In Vietnam

The Inevitable Finiteness of Life: My Personal Reflections And Challenges In Our First Months In Vietnam

Last month, I celebrated my 37th birthday, which puts me closer to the end of a human’s average lifespan than the beginning of it. 

And I am terrified more than ever.

I’ve made it no secret that my biggest fear is the uncertainty of what happens after death. It’s always been at the back of my mind and at times, it keeps me up at night if my thoughts veer toward it. 

Lately, I found myself wondering about these thoughts more and more. I think it’s a combination of the huge changes in our lives, a sudden realization of my goals, and the feeling of being truly alone. 

Making Huge Changes

This year marked huge changes in our lives that we didn’t really plan on for a long time. Long story short, Che found an incredible career opportunity, but it meant that we had to uproot our lives from Singapore to Vietnam for at least a year. 

When we got married, I had about a year and a half to get myself ready to leave everything behind and start anew with her in Singapore. This move to Vietnam was a possibility in maybe the last quarter of 2022 and happened at the end of the first quarter of 2023. 

It’s an exciting chapter, for sure, as we get to immerse in a new culture and start anew. However, with everything happening so fast and the fact that we plan to move back to Singapore in about a year, I probably didn’t set my mind right about truly moving. 

Whenever people asked me if I was ready to move, I would always say that it still didn’t feel real to me yet. I didn’t even make an effort to meet up with good friends I made in Singapore throughout the years, telling them I didn’t want to make a big deal out of the move since I was coming back anyway. 

Vino was excited about the move, but as the days drew closer, he began asking when we would be back in Singapore again. 

I realized then that uprooting my whole life this time around was much too different than my move to Singapore back in 2015.  When before, it was easier to let go of everything because I would start a new life with my wife, we now also had to think about how our growing boy would take the changes happening around him. 

On his first day of classes, Vino looked uneasy stepping into his new school, but we were able to stay with him until he went to class. The next day, my heart melted when I saw him break into tears from a distance as he was overwhelmed by the sheer number of kids around him. 

Thankfully, the teachers have assured us that he is doing well in class and is excited to share stories of new things he experienced during the day. He’s a warrior, and I couldn’t be happier that he’s adjusting well.

Vino is fitting well in class as much as he is fitting in his uniform.

While I knew that this was a situation I could be in when I made the move to Singapore, I now understand how different it would be now that we are responsible for a child’s life. This, and the fact that I probably haven’t embraced the change yet, are burdens I carried subconsciously. 

Going Back to Houseband Roots

When I first arrived in Singapore, I turned into a house husband – a houseband, if you will – and learned how to do housework to support my wife’s career. It’s a no-income dream job. 

I thought I could handle being a true housedad, but we learned shortly after Che gave birth that I wouldn’t be able to handle it on my own. As such, we hired Ate Jen a couple of months after Vino was born.

It was.a difficult goodbye for these two, as Ate Jen has been with us since Vino was about three months old

She has been part of our family since, and having her with us allowed me to explore opportunities online. In late 2021, I was tapped to write more frequently than ever for a salary that was even higher than what I earned in sales back when I was still working.

In a few months’ time, I went from progressively writing more articles per day to making graphics and editing a number of articles per day. I also interviewed more people in those few short months than I have over the past decade that I have been writing for various publications.

I felt that in terms of my career, I was in a very ideal situation, especially since I could work from practically anywhere. Even moving to a different country would not affect my job.

One night, Che and I met our good friend Amanda, who asked me the same thing everyone had been asking – are you ready for the move? I answered her the same way I answered people – I don’t feel it’s real yet.

However, at some point, it became a discussion of whether I was happy, and I revealed things to her, Che, and myself that I never really admitted before.

While I was happy with how I was progressing with my writing gig, it has consumed my daily life to the point that I don’t have much time for anything else. I feel like I cared too much to half-ass my way to getting the job done, and I had way too many things I wanted to do.

I found myself telling Vino to wait until I finish working more times in a day, even during weekdays. I have also not been able to cook for both him and Che in so long that it’s almost a special occasion when I do.

Che and I haven’t been able to watch Korean Dramas at night like we used to because I had to work when Vino was asleep. Even when we spent time together on vacation, I often had to be on my phone to keep up with my responsibilities.

Amanda asked what I really wanted to be, and I maintained that I have always wanted to be a dad, but I felt that I also needed to bring in some income to our household. With Che hearing all these for the first time, it also became a discussion that spilled over later on between the two of us about choosing one over the other, especially since Ate Jen will not be with us in Vietnam.

No question, I’d let go of my career to take care of my family, but things have a way of working out if you’re surrounded by the right people.

Living Away From Everyone

While Che and I have been away from the Philippines for almost a decade, Singapore has felt like home for us because of all the relationships we’ve built there over the years.

Now that we’re in Vietnam, it feels like we’re truly living by ourselves.

After a trip to Singapore and the Philippines last month, Che had to fly out to another city while I had to cover an event one morning. Ate Jen is already back in the Philippines, and only me and Vino were at home.

At some point during the afternoon, my head suddenly felt light and my hands felt numb. It was a feeling I only felt during the night when my fear of death consumed me and didn’t allow me to sleep because of the idea that I might not wake up. I was crippled by the thought that Vino would wake up not knowing what to do, with no friends or family who could help him understand what was happening.

It was a very real fear for me at the time because I thought that it had something to do with a bad fall I had in a basketball game a few months back. At the time, the doctor said I had no symptoms of a concussion, and he decided against an MRI since it didn’t seem necessary. But he did warn me that signs may appear later on.

This numbness and light-headedness were not among the signs I should be watching out for, but it felt so unfamiliar to me that it scared me.

I talked to Che about it and had myself checked out. After examining me, the doctor said he didn’t see the need for an MRI or a CT scan. However, for peace of mind, we got a CT scan to put my mind at ease.

It was the best birthday gift I had when it was revealed that there was nothing to worry about in my head.

At that point, I realized that this crippling feeling might be caused by anxiety from all the things happening around me. I understand why we need to deal with these changes, and I even encouraged both Che and Vino about everything, but apparently, I wasn’t ok.

Knowing that it’s not something physically wrong with me was the first step I needed to take to mentally prepare myself for the months ahead. I am thankful that I work with people who understand why I need to take a step back from doing what I was doing. We were able to navigate through my situation, and we’re working on a setup that is beneficial to a lot of parties.  

But I can’t be grateful enough to have a life partner who allows me to live this dream of focusing my energy on being a dad. While I may not have the talent to rise in the corporate world, I know damn well that I can be the dad I’ve always envisioned myself to be.

It’s a live and grow old with this woman.

Coping With Changes

We’re a couple of months in now at our new home, and about a month without Ate Jen helping us out. I’ve made a few friends by chance, but none of whom I’m really drawn to hang out with. Besides, there’s not much time to hang out with anyone unless it’s something in the morning. 

With my adjusted workload, I’ve developed some kind of routine, and I get to send Vino to school and Che to her office. In either case, I’ve begun exploring the city alone when both are not at home. I have always loved exploring new places by getting lost, but it’s not as easy to do here in Ho Chi Minh unplanned. In the Philippines, I had a car; in Singapore, I would choose a bus or train stop to start exploring. Here, I have to walk a lot if I want to get lost and explore.

While I don’t drink coffee, I feel like it’s a disservice not to try coffee here in Vietnam, and it’s been fun trying out what different places has to offer.  Apart from the different flavors I get to try, the ambiance and the presentation of the drinks are also something I look forward to when discovering new places. 

Beer gardens are something I do want to explore, but that can’t happen unless I have visitors who can take care of Vino while I do that. *ahem*

Some of our things from Singapore have arrived last week, including some of Vino’s toys and my pressure cooker. It kinda helped make our new home feel more familiar and hopefully, it makes our unit more of a “home” for us in this new life.

Sleep has been better, at least I don’t get episodes of light-headedness and numbness ever since I got my scan. 

Best of all, I am able to cook again for my family. 

 I never really had grand dreams professionally. If I had any, it was with the goal of being able to live comfortably and spend time with my family. As such, I can’t really complain at how things are going, because I truly am blessed that I am able to do that as a houseband to an amazing wife and a wonderful growing boy. 

Sure, the fear of death and the unknown is still at the back of my mind, but focusing my energy on being thankful for waking up every day to this life has helped me put those worries way back on my list of concerns.

Anywhere with these two is home.

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